[The ability to make up patent nonsense on the fly is a natural 0utflow of storytelling. Ethically, this talent can't be used for sales and marketing. Intelligently, it can't be used for training and education. Finally, its best outlets are art and fun.]

But honestly, who is so dainty that they need to cover up every little thing they’re buying with a paper shopping bag? It’s not porn.

I’ve seen big strong men who can’t carry a soda. A bottle of detergent with a built-in handle. They have to have a little bag. We’re not running the Iditarod – it’s going on a plush seat supported by shock absorbers, surrounded by steel frame and bumpers, and sheltered by windows and a roof. If I had a car accident, my head would probably crack before that bag of potato chips would break.

Well, I don’t understand, so I’ll keep doing what I do until someone shows me why I need to put a bag into a bag just to get my potato chips to the car.

Host: Daniel DiGriz	Guest: Batman

DiGriz: We’re back with tonight’s guest, the unmistakeable and always enigmatic Batman.

<applause>

DiGriz: So… what’s the deal with this whole bat thing. Why not Aardvark Man or Gopher Man or Koala Man? Why bats, specifically?

Batman: I… you’re making fun of me.

DiGriz: No, no, I’m not. I seriously don’t… well, you know I’m just curious what makes you pick one animal over another.

Batman: Well, a Koala doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of evil men. And what did you say, an aardvark? I don’t think they fly or anything, do they?

DiGriz: Yes, but technically, and no offense intended, really, but you don’t fly either, do you? I mean, what you do is not really flying, right?

Batman: Well, if you’re going to be technical… I mean, I use tools and devices and superior athletic skills to achieve simulated flight…

DiGriz: Yes, but you don’t fly. I mean, not to be argumentative, but I mean it’s not like when Superman or Hawkman flies, right? They actually fly, but you more or less leap or glide, wouldn’t you say?

Batman: I don’t think it’s that important whether I fly or not, I mean the point is not flying, it’s crime fighting. That’s what I do, and flying is just one tool, or technology.

DiGriz: But I mean, it’s more like Green Arrow – he shoots a suction cup arrow to the top of a building, and he’s a really good shot, and he’s got superior um… sticky technology, but then he basically scales the side of the building with a rope. And that’s all well and good, but then he doesn’t call himself Green Parakeet or anything, but you’re Batman, and then there’s Robin, and the bird analogies just go on… you know what I’m getting at here?

Batman: Well, Green Arrow… I mean, you seem to be suggesting that if I don’t fly – I mean not with natural wings or something, that somehow I’m less of a superhero.

DiGriz: No, no, I’m not saying that at all. I’m not saying Green Arrow is less of a superhero. No, I have the greatest respect for what you do. And Robin, for that matter.

Batman: Let’s not go there.

DiGriz: All right, sure, I understand. But, well change the subject, how are things with you and Catwoman? I mean, you hear things, but is there anything there?

Batman: Well, I tell you the tabloids and the papperazi just blow everything out of proportion. I mean, they corner you coming out of someone’s lair…

DiGriz: I understand you… sort of let one of them have it… um, knocked him down and took his camera away, and so on.

Batman: Well, you know you’ve got to have limits, it’s just not something you can tolerate.

DiGriz: But I mean you’re supposed to fight crime, do you worry that you could be charged… I mean, you know with a crime?

Batman: No, well I have a good relationship with the commissioner, and you know I seriously doubt – I mean would you seriously want to tie up someone who makes such a contribution – tie that person up in court and…

DiGriz: Well, there’s OJ.

Batman: That’s true, that’s true. But he carried a gun into a hotel room. I don’t even carry a gun.

DiGriz: Well, now to be fair, you used to carry a gun, you and Robin both did, back in the seventies. I remember seeing you on TV, and well you had guns, just like the Lone Ranger.

Batman: The Lone Ranger… I don’t even see how you could compare us with that… with him. I mean, I’ve always treated my sidekick with the greatest of respect…

DiGriz: Robin.

Batman: Yes. I guess I brought that up.

DiGriz: Well, we don’t have to talk about that. Listen, Batman, you’ve been a good sport, and fielded the really tough questions, it’s always a pleasure to have you, and I know it’s a real treat for the audience. Just one more question, I know it’s been on the minds of your fans…

Batman: You want to know if I’m going to make another film.

DiGriz: Well, no. No, but that’s a good question. I’ll tell you what I was going to ask, and then, if you don’t mind, perhaps before the break – um, we’ve got 2 minutes to commercial – perhaps you could squeeze in an answer to both questions.

Batman: Go ahead.

DiGriz: Sure, the question on everyone’s mind, I think is, given the dissatisfaction with the available candidates in the current presidential race, and certainly your record of tough positions on crime and other issues, is there any chance you’ll run?

Batman: No chance at all.

DiGriz: None.

Batman: No chance at all – I’m content to work on these issues from behind the scenes, I mean I really feel my crimefighter role has expanded with terrorism, illegal immigration… But, uh… you’ll be hearing from me.

DiGriz: Hearing from you? Come on now, it’s national media, you can’t just leave it like that.

Batman: Well, I just mean my latest publishing endeavor. I think my book coming out about the unknown side of Enron will really make a splash. I name names.

DiGriz: Names… yes, well of course… well, and we’ve just got thirty seconds, what about another film?

Batman: I’m exploring a lot of options. I’m not opposed to making another film.

DiGriz: Not with Robin.

Batman: No, if a director wanted to work with just me, that’d be fine, or any number of my colleagues, I could work with…

DiGriz: Catwoman?

Batman: You’re always in there after that story, aren’t you?

DiGriz: That’s what it’s all about Batman. Thank you, it’s always a true pleasure to have you on the show.

DiGriz: Ladies and gentlemen, Batman!

<applause>

<commercial break>

Host: Daniel DiGriz	Guest: Jason Voorhees

DiGriz: OK, our next guest is Jason Voorhees. You may know him simply as Jason, notably from his work at Camp Lake Crystal, his tour of Manhattan, and his well publicized recent fight with Freddy Kreuger.

<applause>

DiGriz: So, Jason, welcome back.

<audience laughter>

Jason: It’s good to be back.

DiGriz: What is it, like your ten millionth time coming back? I mean, some twenty seven years, you’ve been… uh, doing what you do. First time on our show, though. But I mean, you drowned the first time back in 1957, if that’s accurate.

Jason: You’re making me feel like a senior citizen.

DiGriz: No, no. I’m sure, well….

Jason: I’m just kidding around. Jeez, DiGriz, relax! Everyone thinks I’m going to whip out the kitchen knife. I’m a professional like you, and we’re just doing a show, ok? <laughing>

DiGriz: Well that’s a good question, actually. What is it with the kitchen knife? I mean, not that you’re not versatile. You’ve used chains, chainsaws, arrows, all kinds… really of hardware and appliances. What is it with all the…

Jason: Look, I’ve always been kind of handy in the toolshed as well as the kitchen. I’m an all around homemaker and outdoors type. A Renaissance man, really, if you think of it that way.

DiGriz: So, the recent thing with Freddy. You know, it’s difficult to gauge the emotion, you know, what’s really going on behind the scenes, in a … disagreement like that. What is it, really between you, if you can talk about it.

Jason: Oh, I’m over it. I’m so over that, DiGriz, you know. I mean, imagine, you’re just trying to fit in, just like everyone really, tries I think. I mean, we all just really want to be accepted, don’t we?

<audience applause>

Jason: And then someone… and let’s not beat around the bush – I think if you’re in this business, you’ve got to own up to what you say and do to other people, you know, the harm you can cause by a few mischosen words…

DiGriz: Mischosen…?

Jason: Yeah, I mean like I said, I’m over it. I’m giving the man the benefit of the doubt. I think the words were mischosen…

DiGriz: Has he apologized? Has Freddy done that?

Jason: Well… let’s just say that I know where I am with it, and I can’t speak for anyone else, you know? But like I say… I mean, in the heat of the moment, we can all say careless, hurtful things that really wound another person emotionally. These are some of the kinds of issues I’m working through, and I know a lot of people are working through.

DiGriz: What was it he said. I mean, I know he said a lot of things, but what really got to you?

Jason: He called me a dog, DiGriz. I mean, Daniel – can I call you Daniel…?

DiGriz: Sure.

Jason: He said – I’ll tell you exactly what he said, I had it tatooed um… here.

DiGriz: Oh wow. You know… uh… so you’re working through it, you said.

Jason: Go ahead and read it to them. Part of the healing process is getting this stuff out in the open.

DiGriz: Well it says, “You are like a big stupid dog who can’t stop eating.”

Jason: What’d you call me?!?

DiGriz: eh…

Jason: I told you I was just messing with you, man. Gosh!

<audience laughter>

DiGriz: Well you gotta admit, you’re a big guy, and there’s the mask…

Jason: I work out. I won’t kid you about that, I do some lifting.

DiGriz: What is it… speaking of the mask, what is it with… why the mask, why a mask and why a ski mask?

Jason: Hockey mask.

DiGriz: Hockey mask, that’s right… I’m not a very sports… outdoors kind of guy, I guess. I might never go outdoors again.

<audience laughter>

Jason: You should try it with a hockey mask. You bet, people leave you alone. And campers, they’re so nice, they pick up and move sometimes, just so you can have the lake to yourself. I think the mask has been a real boost to my ego.

DiGriz: Is that it then? I mean, you know you hear rumors and things, that you’re scarred under there, but is it really more of an emotional thing.

Jason: It’s both. I think we all have scars, emotional, physical. The thing to remember is each of us is a whole person.

DiGriz: Well, until you get ahold of them.

<laughter>

Jason: Right. Right, but you know what I’m saying. I mean I had a rough childhood. I know you hear that all the time. I mean last week I was on Dr. Phil, and he said I was just whining, but I think we really are shaped by how we lived growing up. We all deal with… <sniffling>… you know, we all deal with pain in our lives.

DiGriz: Jason Voorhees everybody. We’ll be right back after the break.

<commercial break>

DiGriz: Leave it on this channel – we’ve got Jason Voorhees, and you’re listening to the Daniel DiGriz show. Jason, I’ve got to ask you about the toys. You know, the Jason action figures. How do you feel about these, have they captured your likeness, and are they age-appropriate?

Jason: Wow, excellent that you’re giving me a chance to talk about this. I mean, first… I think the commercialism has really been something we’ve all had to adapt to. I mean, you know I can’t even really get away to Camp Crystal Lake without a lot of people showing up, and of course it’s young people mostly, but I think privacy is really something you can expect to give up when you become a celebrity.

DiGriz: That’s important to you. Privacy, I mean.

Jason: Isn’t it to everyone? I think that’s just the thing, celebrities are people just like everyone, we all have the same needs. That’s why, to answer your other question, you can’t sum up someone’s character or personality or their soul or whatever in a magazine article, in an action figure, or really any other way than just like this, sitting down with someone and hearing what they have to say, listening to how they feel. But, and I know we’re probably getting close to time here, but I do want to say something about how the toy industry is part of this problem, if that’s ok.

DiGriz: By all means. I think we’ve got the time.

Jason: The thing is, there are things that are appropriate for an adult that just aren’t appropriate to put in the hands of children, whose judgment may not be as fully developed, and who don’t necessarily, especially if they’ve come from a troubled home as I have, have the moral development to make sound choices.

<audience applause>

Jason: I mean it’s the same whether we’re talking about alcohol, or firearms, which may or may not have their place – I don’t want to get controversial – I’m against them – I don’t own a gun and never will – but I’m just saying that we have an epidemic these days – smoking, and all this, of children who are less responsible than they often were when I was growing up, that need guidance in handling these forms of adult behavior. I mean, I was a child of a single-parent home and I know that my own mother did everything she could – I mean, being a mother, that’s one of the most wonderful things on earth…

<audience applause>

Jason: But I’m just saying there’s a lot of work still to be done to give kids the guidance they need to make proper choices about these things, and I think action figures like that, as unpopular as this idea may be with some people, are just one more example of abdicating that responsibility to commercialism.

<audience applause>

DiGriz: Jason Voorhees folks. You heard it right here. Powerful message.
Jason: Thank you.

DiGriz: We’re going to go a little over, and ask our other guest, The Fonz, from Happy Days fame, to come back tomorrow. Jason, I understand there was a small scandal in that, during the recent Freddy vs. Jason… uh… conflict, someone claimed that there’s a moment when you’re on fire in the cornfield, and you’ve actually got safety googles on under your mask, and they saw this, or something like that.

Jason: You know, there’s always some conspiracy theory, and someone claiming something outlandish, you know like that I’ve been replaced, that I’m not the real Jason, or that there’s more than one, or something like that. They were saying the same thing about President Johnson. It’s just… crazy talk.

DiGriz: Two final questions, and we’re almost out of time. Talk a little about your general silence all these years. I mean, for a long time, you almost never spoke. Was this one of the issues you’ve been working through, or was it a philosophical choice…? And the other question is simply, how do you do it? I mean, you’ve been coming back, as we hinted at the start of our show, for a very long time, against seemingly impossible odds, and I don’t mean conspiracy theories, but how is it that you seem to be so versatile, so ubiquitous, and just so resilient compared to what we’ve come to expect.

Jason: Well, like I say, I work out.

<extended laughter>

Jason: I think it’s important, seriously, though, to take care of your health, obviously. Eat the right things, exercise, stay in shape. But I mean also, I think, spiritually, it’s important to live your life as a good person. I believe in karma. I do. I mean how else do you explain it. You know what they say about karma, what you do, what you are, and how you’ve been to other people – it comes back. I think that kind of says it all. On the silence thing, what can I say, I think you spend a lot of time living in a shell, and you’ve got to get out and find new ways of interacting with people, and enrich yourself and hopefully them as well.

DiGriz: I understand you’re dating now.

Jason: I’m dating now. Um… it’s been wonderful, and new, and exhilirating. She’s the kind of person that accepts me for who I am. She’s ok with my limitations, and really just a kind and tender person that understands my needs. I met her at Camp Crystal Lake, actually. She was working with Crystal Lake development at the time, and I was down there trying to get my head straight. And there she was. We both work, she understands that works pulls me away, but we focus not so much on quantity as quality, and… you know it’s been good.

DiGriz: Jason, I’m glad for you, and it’s really been delightful having you on the show. Folks, that’s Jason Voorhees. Tune in again next time. That’s all the time we have. Jason, thank you, really. It’s been a true pleasure.

<commercial>